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Old Dogs or Cunning Old Shits

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atomicali

Sun Mar 15 2015, 08:32am

Registered Member #227

Joined: Wed Jun 20 2007, 12:28pm
Posts: 645

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'

alf_ppp

Sun Mar 15 2015, 09:52am

Registered Member #7

Joined: Wed Aug 09 2006, 11:18pm
Posts: 1379

Puts a smile on your face, doesn't it

atomicali

Thu Mar 19 2015, 06:06am

Registered Member #227

Joined: Wed Jun 20 2007, 12:28pm
Posts: 645

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

atomicali

Sat Mar 21 2015, 09:11am

Registered Member #227

Joined: Wed Jun 20 2007, 12:28pm
Posts: 645

A Northern Territory farmhand radios back to the farm manager.

Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK,but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and
is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says,"Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the
pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss.
Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under
the right-front wheel arch."

alf_ppp

Sun Mar 22 2015, 09:48am

Registered Member #7

Joined: Wed Aug 09 2006, 11:18pm
Posts: 1379

rofl

atomicali

Thu May 07 2015, 08:28am

Registered Member #227

Joined: Wed Jun 20 2007, 12:28pm
Posts: 645

Assicons

)*( an asshole
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_*_) a sore ass loser
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_?_) a dumb ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_e=mC2_) a smart ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_1/2_) half-assed
( Y ) a butt
(_$_) money coming out of his/her ass
(_#_) taking an ass pounding
(_x_) kiss my ass

Yes it uses the American spelling but I CBF australianising it with arse.

[ Edited Thu May 07 2015, 08:29am ]

alf_ppp

Thu May 07 2015, 11:00am

Registered Member #7

Joined: Wed Aug 09 2006, 11:18pm
Posts: 1379

good one

atomicali

Thu Jun 16 2016, 01:22am

Registered Member #227

Joined: Wed Jun 20 2007, 12:28pm
Posts: 645

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

alf_ppp

Thu Jun 16 2016, 10:07am

Registered Member #7

Joined: Wed Aug 09 2006, 11:18pm
Posts: 1379

ROFLMAO

atomicali

Thu Jul 28 2016, 12:53am

Registered Member #227

Joined: Wed Jun 20 2007, 12:28pm
Posts: 645

Today someone tried to sell me Wonder Woman, Lara Croft and Supergirl. I think they were a heroine dealer.

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